The new Maroon 5 song, "Kiwi," is a paean to the "juiciness" of some girl's lady parts (oh please let them be Jessica Simpson's!) that features a promise that Adam Levine will be "a stronger and a faster lover" than anyone she's ever known. Apparently Bree's erstwhile paramour from last week is not alone in thinking ladies like it "fast." Either that, or he and Levine are friends. Either way, the two have inspired this list of other things that men seem to think women find hot and that we (and I think I speak for at least -- ALL -- of us here) do not. Note: This list is not exhaustive. And I'm sure I'll update it after the weekend.
-- "Fast" lovin'. I cannot believe this needs to be said. Fast? Why fast? Am I in a hurry? Is the house on fire? A sale at Barney's? Well, then for the love of God, fast isn't necessary. And it sure as hell isn't good.
-- How you're going to...in general. The corollary to the Levine Law above. It's just like I used to say as a kid: "Don't talk about it. Do it."
-- Excessive talk of, or actually, coming to blows, particularly at bars. Yes, the ability to protect oneself from harm is an attractive quality. And the ability to protect me from harm is particularly attractive, because as strong a woman as I am, I also lack hand-eye coordination and the ability to land a punch (but man, can I throw one!). However, what we appreciate is the ability, should it -- GOD forbid -- ever come to that. Starting fights, being involved in fights, talking about fights, thinking about fucking fights...just, no. Because I also don't want to think about you getting your -- or more importantly, MY -- ass kicked.
-- Your job. Whatever it is. Just...in general. I admire ambition, passion for what you do, a strong work ethic, intelligence, etc. And I definitely appreciate that you have a job (nice work). But weirdly, I have one too. So, you know, it's not that special. So please don't talk about it like you just infiltrated a terrorist camp on a covert mission to rescue a team of child hostages from the evil clutches of anti-democratic forces. Unless...did you? Because that would be hot.
-- Serenades. Serenades, you say? Who are you, Juliet? You'd be surprised, friends, at how much dudes welcome to opportunity to croon their hearts out. But repeat after me: Singing is only okay if you are the lead singer of a band. Or your name is Justin Timberlake. And even then, maybe not to me. And DEFINITELY not to K. As she says: "Dudes: do not sing near me. You will get punched. And the only place I can reach is your nuts." She's small, but...you know the rest.
There's more, I know. So help me out, ladies. Because the truth remains that I like dudes so much that it really is hard for me to come up with this list...at least, on my own.
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4 comments:
Well-played, Urmila. I appreciate, in particular, the "how you're going to" portion.
Might I also suggest adding to the following to the list:
- Man accessories: bags, scarves, jewelry. In theory, it could work, but it almost never does.
- Meta-conversations about pick-up techniques: I think the idea with this one is either a) to flatter the woman by implying that she is too special for you to use your usual tricks or b) it's some form of playing hard to get in which, by telling a woman the way in which you usually hit on women, you imply that you are not interested in that woman. Or maybe it's just flirty because it's a discussion about flirting. Regardless, it's weird and creates unecessary awkwardness.
- Not calling. You should call. Your friend who is telling you not to call a woman if you like her probably doesn't get any.
oooooh, YES on the not-calling. YES. not hot. at all.
The lower lip bite. There is nothing worse than talking to a hot guy and then out of nowhere he decides its appropriate to look you up and down and bite his lower lip as an implication that he wants to F*** you. EW! Tote not sexy!
Dude, YES, Britney. SO gross.
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